Shout out to my niece, Maren, who inspired this blog post. At her own iniative, she decided to work toward leveling up her positive self-talk. She is superlative in her support of others, and it’s wonderful to see her learning how to extend this kindness to herself.

What is positive self-talk?

Positive self-talk is just as it sounds – it’s the way we think and talk about ourselves. Your self-talk matters in that it can impact the challenges you’re willing to take on in life, and how well you tolerate those challenges.

It also matters because we spend a lot of time with ourselves. The quality of that time can have an impact on our mental health.

How can I be better at positive self-talk?

Like with anything, it takes practice.

Focus more on making room for it. It’s helpful to focus less on minimizing negative self-talk and, instead, simply noticing your negative self-talk and then making room for positive self-talk. Why? There can be a rebound effect. The more you try not to think negative things about yourself, the more you may end up thinking negative things about yourself and then shaming yourself for thinking them. Why invalidate yourself? Not only does it feel bad, but you might end up in a debate with yourself, spending precious time and energy in an endless and fruitless mission to uncover the “truth” of the matter. This is called rumination, and it’s seldom productive.

Recognize limits to the believability of negative self-talk. Thoughts that coincide with strong, negative emotions are often distorted. If you’re thinking about yourself in a moment when negative emotions are present, it’s worth pausing and making room for an alternate version of things.

Remember that negative thoughts and feelings are temporary. Difficult thoughts and feelings do not last forever. When they show up, be careful about holding on to them too tightly. They will go away on their own. If you grip them tightly, such as by proceeding to analyze them (signaling to yourself that they are believable and worth investigating), they may stick around longer and drain the energy you need to get back into your life.

Example positive self-talk conversation

“I’m noticing myself having the thought that I’m unattractive.” (Skill: Creating distance from the thought and allowing space for questioning believability of the thought. This is contrasted with stating, as if a fact, “I’m unattractive.”)

“It makes sense that I’m having that thought – I’m feeling vulnerable since I was just at an event with people I don’t know.” (Skill: Self-validating without agreeing with the thought.)

“I challenged myself today by going to that event and being kind and outgoing with new people, and that required vulnerability. This is a vulnerability hangover and I’m willing to experience it in the service of doing something important. Growth requires discomfort, and discomfort comes and goes. And I don’t let discomfort stand in the way of being someone I am proud of.” (Skill: Make room for positive self-talk.)

Any tips for the perfectionists?

The key is to expect and accept mistakes and shortcomings. Remind yourself that it’s part of the process. Dare yourself to shift your relationship from avoiding mistakes to seeing them as a signal that (1) you have taken on a challenge and are really “going for it” or (2) you are doing the hard work of balancing many priorities and willing to show yourself the kindness of not expecting perfectionism with each priority.

Also, while it’s great to share your process and experience with others, be wary about soliciting reassurance about your mistakes from others. It sends a message to yourself that you can’t handle the discomfort of having made a possible mistake and need to be rescued from your discomfort around it. This will give you a chance to grow a trusting relationship with yourself.

Check out the video below as a nice example. It’s brave to be willing to be a “stuckosaurus.” Through your willingness to make mistakes and exercise self-compassion along the way, you’ll see your relationship with yourself strengthen and grow.

Tips for parents and loved ones of perfectionists

If you watched the above video, you may have noticed parents using several of these skills.

Give them a chance to make mistakes. It sends the message that imperfection is part of being a human on this planet and also part of the growth process. It communicates with others that you know they can handle the discomfort that comes from mistakes, and that they can grow through mistakes. It also provides an opportunity for them to practice all of logistical and emotional challenges that come from these important moments in life.

Allow them the opportunity to emotionally interpret a mishap for themselves. Be careful about insinuating that the situation is something to feel bad about. Their positive self-talk might surprise you!

Be a witness before being a problem-solver. Instead of jumping in to rescue, send the message that you know they can do it by giving them a chance to problem-solve it themselves or ask you for help. And when it pays off, they may learn to better trust themselves and their resilience. You’ll also find that people are more willing to problem-solve when it’s on their terms. “I can see that you’re noticing that this is hard, that you haven’t given up, and that you’re figuring out what to do next.”

You don’t have to say everything will be okay. When people make mistakes, your reassurance that it’s okay may be preventing them practicing facing the discomfort that comes from uncertainty or managing the fallout that sometimes comes with mistakes. It’s possible to stay positive, supportive, and empathetic while also withholding reassurance. “You’re worried about the grade you’ll get and whether people will be disappointed. I don’t know what grade you’ll get, and I do know that I’m impressed with the hard work you put in. Being a student means trying really hard at things not knowing if you’re good at it yet, and problem-solving setbacks.”

Be willing to feel uncomfortable. You might have a strong urge to prevent others from experiencing mishaps or providing reassurance that everything will be okay. Sitting with your own discomfort may help others in their own process of learning to sit with theirs.

Be curious. “What would you say to someone you love experiencing this? Are you willing to extend that kindness to yourself, too?” “Have you felt this way before? What happened next in the story?”

Give positive feedback consistent with this blog post. “I just noticed your positive self-talk!” “Yes, you did do something hard. Nice job making room for the discomfort that can come with that.” “I love the way that you looked at the situation from another perspective that extends kindness to yourself.”

Be a positive self-talk role model. “I noticed myself having the thought that dinner didn’t turn out the way I hoped. And then I realized that it was great that I was able to make dinner on such a busy day, welcoming imperfection as I balanced a lot of important things. I’m proud of myself for doing that.”

For further reading

• Harris, R. (2008). The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living. Trumpeter Books.
• Lebowitz, E. R., & Omer, H. (2021). Breaking Free of Child Anxiety and OCD: A Scientifically Proven Program for Parents. Scribe Publications.
  
• McCurry, C. M. (2019). Parenting Your Anxious Child with Mindfulness and Acceptance: A Powerful New Approach to Overcoming Fear, Panic, and Worry Using Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. New Harbinger Publications.
  
• Neff, K. (2011). Self-compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. HarperCollins.