There’s power and promise in a new beginning. The palpable hope that the blank slate will inspire and provide opportunity for setting and committing to each of those small and thoughtful habits that are needed to build toward something worth reflecting on with pride.

And for many of us, once we gleam that hope, there’s that fear that pops up and reminds us of all of the times before in which we set an intention and didn’t follow through.

And I’m right there with you with this first blog post, as I set the intention of updating it regularly.

Shame and “Midnight Promises”

I think it’s important to start off by highlighting the ways in which shame can sabotage our goals. For many of us, as we lie idly in bed at night, our mind drifts toward the things we find most threatening. We go down the rabbit hole and begin to imagine what life could be like if we don’t make a change, and quickly. Shame creeps in, and shame is a powerful emotion – one that can be extra icky and one that we can feel an urgency or even desperation to get rid of. And in those vulnerable moments, we are tempted to make what I call “midnight promises.”

What are midnight promises?

Midnight promises are the promises that, should we be able to keep them, we believe would alleviate us of our worry and shame. Unfortunately, under the influence of shame, our midnight promises often include unattainable goals – we believe we need to do something big about the issue, and quickly. We find ourselves thinking that we are already behind and it’s time to take a stand and “dig out” of the problem and the shame. We’ve put ourselves on a tightrope when we’ve struggled on the balancing beam, and we’ve told ourselves that falling off means that terrible things will happen and we’ll hate ourselves. Our very self-worth feels like it’s at stake. When we inevitably fall off the tightrope we created for ourselves, we’re gutted. We feel demoralized, we take a needed break, and we slip back into old habits. And then, we lie idly in bed, think about the threats ahead if we don’t make a change, and we make another midnight promise. The pendulum swings back and forth.

Luckily, there’s another way.

SMART Goals

I can’t talk about habits and goal-setting without naming SMART goals. If you haven’t heard about SMART goals, now’s the time. And if you have, I’m hopeful I can offer some additional and important nuance.

Specific: Get specific and communicate clearly with yourself about what you’re setting out to accomplish. During this process, you can also be thinking about the tools and supports you’ll need along the way.

Measurable: How will you measure your success? It can be helpful to measure things you can directly control, instead of the things that are the (desired) consequences of what you can control. For example, setting measurable goals around grocery shopping, cooking, and getting out for walks as opposed to goals pertaining to weight loss. I like to think of this as highlighting the process instead of the outcome and find that focusing on the process helps people stay on track a little better, even when the desired effect isn’t happening right away or consistently.

Attainable: This one is really important. Starting off small makes it more likely that you’ll follow through on the commitment, and that follow-through is what will bring those positive feelings that build momentum around whatever you’re hoping to achieve. It’s helpful to know that our brains tend to overestimate what we can achieve and underestimate the challenge. So whatever you have in mind, consider dialing it back further. You can always set a bigger goal for yourself down the road after you have some momentum. You may think that if you set out to do too much that you’ll simply dial it back. However, it may be more likely that you’ll experience demoralization and unintentionally pause, further feeding future shame-driven and unattainable goal-setting. It’s also worth adding that attainability involves letting go of your idealized version of this process. For example, when I recently set goals around a workout routine, my idealized one involved weight lifting. But realistically, I am someone who wants to zone out with Netflix on a treadmill – that’s my attainable starting place. I can always add in some weights later on, when I’ve got some momentum, and grow from there.

Relevant: Consider your reasons for your goals by asking yourself why it matters or how it will lead you to look back feeling proud. This is in contrast to setting goals based on getting rid of bad feelings and is important because it leads to more long-term commitment and less susceptibility to shame-spiraling when we are off track.

Time-Limited: Identify specific deadlines for yourself. Build in accountability by having someone to check in with about your progress on those deadlines, who will cheer on your achievements and help you to problem-solve barriers. You might request that they wait to problem-solve barriers or give advice until you’ve explicitly asked them to.

Self-Compassion

Cope in advance with the fact that you will get off track. The reason you’re going through this goal-setting process is that you know that you’re taking on something challenging. The proactive acceptance and planning around the very idea of being off track and the discomfort of that moment can reduce some of the intensity of the feelings around it.

Celebrate your awareness. Be willing to identify and even savor the pride that can come with your very awareness that you’re off track. (“Oh, good to know! Go me for realizing; that’s step one.”)

Be gentle with yourself. (“Yep, I expected this moment. I am feeling bad about it, and just because it stings doesn’t mean I need to down the rabbit hole of what this means about me as a person or what lies ahead. This is part of the process of growing. This is the part of the process of doing something hard. It’s okay that it hurts.”)

Get back to it. As many times as necessary, go back to those specific and achievable things you were doing. Give yourself credit for returning to your intentions, even if you immediately fall back off again. It’s the returning that you want to emphasize with yourself more than the falling off. We can’t undo the past, but we can utilize the opportunity of the present. And, if we are willing to let go of our shame-induced black-and-white thinking, it isn’t “all or nothing” and we can get into the gray area of doing what we can do today and counting that it will build to something “good” in the end, even if it’s not perfect.

You’ll hear from me again soon, and at an attainable frequency.  

For further reading

• Brown, B. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. Hazelden Publishing.
• Doran, G. T. (1981). There’s a S.M.A.R.T. way to write management’s goals and objectives. Management Review, 70(11), 35-36.
• Harris, R. (2008). The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living. Trumpeter Books.
• Neff, K. (2011). Self-compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. HarperCollins.